the last five or six blogs are old and new. some will become songs, some will not. some of them are how I feel now, some of them have feelings that have passed. it's not important which ones are which.

lover assisted suicide

you've killed me. thats it, so simple, I'm dead. my heart has stopped beating, it doesn't see the point. and it devastates me to think I won't recover from this any time soon. I seek peace in my sleep but only find nightmare, I replace your memory with possessions and infatuation, but nothing can really replace what I hope for. where is peace? where is solace? i'll find them eventually, but it's really all too late. this pain won't subside, I can't get used to this, and I'm tired of pretending it's not there.

carpedium

i'm taking life by the reigns, i'm not gonna keep looking back at the past and it's regrets and failures, i'll look straight ahead and only see that that is now. and I won't fret about tomorrow cause tomorrow's worrying about itself, each day is enough trouble in itself. i've begun my carpe-dium lifestyle, i'm taking advice from philosophers from years passed, they knew better than I do about taking things one step at a time, and they've taught me to watch the steps i'm taking not those I took or those too far ahead of me. I won't let regret smile upon me anymore, if it's done it's done and I won't change that anytime soon.

let's go fly a kite

you were the kite I never tied down, and you flew away with the wind, never to be seen again, and you're probably better off that way, but I can still wish that you would fly back to me. and I worry that someone else is holding that same end of the string I once had, the difference is they'll pull you down and keep you to fly again, but I just let you go, I let you go.

am I a dreamer?

what makes me break the way I do? I tell myself what I can't do and do it anyway. I'm weak and you're my weakness. these are not the things I want in my life. this is not how I planned on living the next few years. I need out. I need a way out. I won't find it with my own wit. I don't care about a nice house or fast cars, I don't want the american dream or a perfect career. I just want someone to come home to, a girl that loves god and loves me for who I am. am I a dreamer?

fear of what it seems to be

speak into me with truth and love, tell me what I need to hear, nothing I don't. I say what I feel, love, sent to you through the system and you say, 'I'm sorry to say I don't feel it' and you change the subject again, and you value what we don't have anymore and I miss it more than anything, I pray there's something under the surface, something you're not telling me, something to make all of this make sense to me, my head aches from your encoded speech but I'd fear it more if it were straight forward, my God I don't understand, I need an explanation. Bless me with love. Bless me with peace.

paper grace

I push the concept of sin out of my mind all the time, I tear up your name with the things I do, I claim to be a follower but a follower of what, I walk around with a hammer in hand, but thankfully your grace is more than I deserve. I tell myself I won't mess up like this again but yet I still manage to break my own promises. teach me o' god to be stronger, teach me to control my actions better than I do.

no one stays the same

I used to look up to you two, modeled my life after you, you're the very reason i'm sitting here doing what I do. you'd call me out when I was doing wrong and help me get back on track, you'd say 'hey man, what's this you're doing here? what would He do?' and I wonder what'd you do now. all the mistakes I used to make, you're making them now, and it breaks my heart so I don't look around. and now it's up to me to call you out, I hope you'll listen to me, i'll say 'hey man, what's this you're doing here? what would He do?' and I see what you're doing now, what am I going to do now?