the last five or six blogs are old and new. some will become songs, some will not. some of them are how I feel now, some of them have feelings that have passed. it's not important which ones are which.

lover assisted suicide

you've killed me. thats it, so simple, I'm dead. my heart has stopped beating, it doesn't see the point. and it devastates me to think I won't recover from this any time soon. I seek peace in my sleep but only find nightmare, I replace your memory with possessions and infatuation, but nothing can really replace what I hope for. where is peace? where is solace? i'll find them eventually, but it's really all too late. this pain won't subside, I can't get used to this, and I'm tired of pretending it's not there.

carpedium

i'm taking life by the reigns, i'm not gonna keep looking back at the past and it's regrets and failures, i'll look straight ahead and only see that that is now. and I won't fret about tomorrow cause tomorrow's worrying about itself, each day is enough trouble in itself. i've begun my carpe-dium lifestyle, i'm taking advice from philosophers from years passed, they knew better than I do about taking things one step at a time, and they've taught me to watch the steps i'm taking not those I took or those too far ahead of me. I won't let regret smile upon me anymore, if it's done it's done and I won't change that anytime soon.

let's go fly a kite

you were the kite I never tied down, and you flew away with the wind, never to be seen again, and you're probably better off that way, but I can still wish that you would fly back to me. and I worry that someone else is holding that same end of the string I once had, the difference is they'll pull you down and keep you to fly again, but I just let you go, I let you go.

am I a dreamer?

what makes me break the way I do? I tell myself what I can't do and do it anyway. I'm weak and you're my weakness. these are not the things I want in my life. this is not how I planned on living the next few years. I need out. I need a way out. I won't find it with my own wit. I don't care about a nice house or fast cars, I don't want the american dream or a perfect career. I just want someone to come home to, a girl that loves god and loves me for who I am. am I a dreamer?

fear of what it seems to be

speak into me with truth and love, tell me what I need to hear, nothing I don't. I say what I feel, love, sent to you through the system and you say, 'I'm sorry to say I don't feel it' and you change the subject again, and you value what we don't have anymore and I miss it more than anything, I pray there's something under the surface, something you're not telling me, something to make all of this make sense to me, my head aches from your encoded speech but I'd fear it more if it were straight forward, my God I don't understand, I need an explanation. Bless me with love. Bless me with peace.

paper grace

I push the concept of sin out of my mind all the time, I tear up your name with the things I do, I claim to be a follower but a follower of what, I walk around with a hammer in hand, but thankfully your grace is more than I deserve. I tell myself I won't mess up like this again but yet I still manage to break my own promises. teach me o' god to be stronger, teach me to control my actions better than I do.

no one stays the same

I used to look up to you two, modeled my life after you, you're the very reason i'm sitting here doing what I do. you'd call me out when I was doing wrong and help me get back on track, you'd say 'hey man, what's this you're doing here? what would He do?' and I wonder what'd you do now. all the mistakes I used to make, you're making them now, and it breaks my heart so I don't look around. and now it's up to me to call you out, I hope you'll listen to me, i'll say 'hey man, what's this you're doing here? what would He do?' and I see what you're doing now, what am I going to do now?

leaving so soon?

leaving today, leaving again, and this could be the last chance I get for a while but I already know I'm too much of a coward to even try for contact, I sit idly by and hope you bump into me, but you won't, you're more than miles away, we live in different lives, different worlds, farther than a phone line can stretch, there will never be enough stamps for letters, and I can scream my voice dry all day and you'll never even sense me, the line in the sand is growing wider by the day and even now it's too far to jump across and the way I see it you are the one with the ability to build bridges, and believe me when I say I'd be more than happy to help you build them.

pictures in window frames

I go out hoping we'll cross paths, anxiously looking to the nearest door and window for your face, what would I say to you. I could run it over a million times in my head and still never get it right, and I know you'll never be mine but I'm too stubborn to just give up on it, and I at least want things to be better than they are, cause God knows it torments me day and night.

the picture the window creates outside only changes in light and not in terms of you, God paint her in, use only the loveliest colors and most beautiful hues, I plea is to see her face again in more than just old photographs, I'm looking hard for the change in the canvas, paint a dream come true. I'm only dreaming, never stop dreaming, bring me new light.

tick

I'd like see into your head, find out what makes you smile the most and learn how to best make you laugh, cause clearly I haven't figured it out yet.
I'll check up on what makes you cry and promise myself to never do those things, I would make sure there was no way I could ever hurt you, that's my promise to you

I've gone out on that limb way too many times and every time it breaks, i'm breaking all my bones but for some reason you've got me climbing back up the tree again.
I can't be like this forever, I can't be like this much longer at all.

what the hell happened two years ago, cause I'm still here, whether you believe it or not, and I still feel you, I can't forget what never came to, but you've moved on so easily, not a problem for you, forgetting makes everything easier.

why can't I see what makes you tick, why can't I understand

grass stains

I'm out of place in this place, i'm feeling like I don't belong, I'm looking at pictures and remembering nights past, and the grass stains on my knees always remind of you, we used to have so much fun and you'd smile bright, I wish I didn't have to forget you, and even though I know what I must do, it's gonna be awhile before I'm able to. i've met lust a few times since then but when she's past I find myself looking around for you, I can't replace love with just my eyes and hands, my heart has to feel too, but I can't seem to reach you.

love is(n't) in the air

I hope the day you get back, something about the air in lexington effects your thoughts, the relief of a small town could make your heart less hesitant, and that could be good. old feelings might spring up from the ground, like late spring blooming flowers blossom in the warm early summer's air, beautiful colors will fill our hearts and things might be the way they should be.
I hope the day you get back, you go out in search of the things you miss most and the adventures you want to relive, and I hope you find your way to my door, knock on the pale wooden door frame and listen hard for the shuffling of feet inside, they'll make your heart beat faster, faster, faster, and I'm on my way to the door, just wait a bit longer, just a bit longer.

burgandy voice

Could I ever have beauty so radiant? Would someone ever love me with a heart as full as hers? When will my day come? When is it my turn? A voice that sends chills down my spine, I'm shivering at the sound but I'm filled with a warmth like no other, a heart so right and so beautiful, a dream, like everything else, just out of reach, this isn't a part of my reality, I am here and she is there and that is the way it's always going to be. I don't see a reason to try, what good would it do? I don't deserve that, I don't deserve anything good.

backwards day

I must be wearing my clothes inside out cause everyone's looking at me like something's wrong, and your eyes won't even meet mine and i'm looking harder than ever. if this is life, then I don't want something that is so unfair, if this is life, then i'll take what comes after anyday. but God's told me to press on, and I am, and hurts an awful lot right now but it'll get better in the end, even if it's not the way I want it to be, but listen to me now, could I still be anymore selfish?

can i have another

life's been an empty bottle for awhile now, I keep filling it back up but there's a hole somewhere that I can't see and everything I put it runs right back out, and i've grown tired of the routine and the way she doesn't love me, and I keep trying so hard and keep falling so short, why can't things just work? why must we wait for love and be tortured by what is not.

love is an open window

love is an open window, but it closes when you finally decide to go through, if only I knew what was waiting on the other side, I should've gone sooner.
the puzzle pieces look the same but aren't apart of the same picture
we try to create our own pieces to fit but it'll never be the same as if it
were the real thing, and a crack in the glass separates her from him, the one table becomes two and the separation is the beginning of the end.

the place I called home

I did something I should have done a long time ago, but today wasn't soon enough and yesterday's past and tomorrow's looking darker than ever. I made my choices too late or not soon enough and I never could tell you the right things, and I loved a home with two open doorways, one to let my words and the other to let them out, and that door would slam behind them, and to think I couldn't see the workings of the house, how I couldn't see there was nothing at the top of the stairs I was climbing, only an end and drop off, and I fell, I fell so hard into you, i've broken all my bones for what I thought was love and there was nothing to break my fall, I'm laying on my back, water fills my eyes, and I almost wish I was still living in that fantasy, where I thought everything was okay, where I thought it was only a matter of time for everything to happen that didn't. Those days are long gone and the new are here to stay and that old home is decrepit and old but it still stands and I feel like I'm the foundation under all the weight of wood and brick, I can't take the weight, I can't take the weight.